I’ve always been fat. To be honest, I don’t quite understand why. I’ve always been active, and I still am. Maybe not as much as I should, but more than some skinny people I know. See, I’ve danced since I was 4, and I’m 16 now. Every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I’m at dance class. But in September of 2011, I starting take about double the amount of dance classes, and I noticed how much healthier I felt. I never weighed myself regularly because I was scared of the number I would see. But I weighed myself when I noticed the change in me, and I saw that I had lost 15 pounds, without intending to. (I knew my weight before that because I was 180 at a doctor’s appointment a few months earlier.) I was shocked, and so happy. I had lost 15 pounds, without some special diet or doing a bunch of exercises I didn’t even know. 

Since then, I have stayed at about 165. Not a number I am satisfied with. But I didn’t continue to try lose weight after that because, at my dance studio, we are measured for costumes in December, and I didn’t want my measurements to be too different when I actually got the costume. Excuse.

But, here I am, still 165 pounds and unhappy with my appearance. I’ve tried losing weight in the summertime several times, but I always made excuses. When I’m in public, I feel like I stick out because of the way I look. I hardly eve feel pretty. I want to wear pretty spring dresses. I want to look in the mirror and feel pretty. I want to be able to shop in stores because I like the store and not worry if they’ll have something that will fit me. I’m tired of being the fat friend, sister, daughter. I want to be happy.

But I don’t want to diet. I don’t want to count calories and think about how much fat is in every piece of food I put into my mouth.

So, I’m doing this my way. 

This summer, I am going to exercise everyday, probably taking one day out of the week to rest because I’ve read lots of exercise calender things with days to rest. I am going to portion my food better than I have, and I won’t binge. I will discipline myself because this is something I want.

I want to return to school in September, dreading gym class because of the teacher and not because I’m afraid of how people will judge me. I want to fit in with everyone and stop feeling so out of place. I know that people probably like me for me, but how can I know when my insecurities keep me up at night? I know that some of my friends judge me. I want them to stop. So I’ll make them stop with a transformation. I will no longer stick out in my dance class on stage as the fat girl. My body will stop jiggling when I dance, and I will feel beautiful and proud. Finally.

This summer is my chance, and I won’t let it pass me by. Again.